Osanna places her journal across her knees that night as she curls up in the corner and watches her companions take what rest that they may. She opens the book to the next blank page, and takes a few moments to shut her eyes and clear her mind before she begins scrolling her thoughts onto it in the right-to-left script of her native Kellid tongue.
They say that hindsight always provides the greatest clarity. I’ve been thinking quite a lot of the events of late, along with the conversations that Glenn and I have had….and of the choices I’ve made. I’ve long since lamented, to a point, the choice that I made to take the Oath of Chastity when I swore my Paladin’s Oath to Sarenrae those years ago. When I was a girl, a young man of the faith and I took a risky gamble to take the first few steps along the road to romance and perhaps even young love together. We gambled…he lost. Perhaps we both did, as I later learned from my demon mother than she had orchestrated the entire event. How? I know not, and I’ve also entertained the possibility that she lied to me altogether in an attempt to unsettle me.
Regardless, I’ve made my choices and here I am. Here we are. I’ve been watching them all very closely these last few months, and I let my mind wander sometimes about the “what ifs” when we have down time in between being saviors or “heroes of prophecy.” What if, I wonder, I was not bound by my oath and was able to have a lover as I saw fit? Would he be one of these brave folk that bleed alongside me?
Bill’s transformation from selfish, angry introvert into kind, thoughtful introvert has impressed me greatly. I thought that his incident at the church was him lashing out at me in anger over the pain he felt at the loss of his brother, or perhaps at his frustration at the rigid code by which I choose to live my life. As it turns out, he was angry at the thought of the loss of his father and projected his anger at me due to my sister’s involvement. Since then, I’ve seen him display forgiveness both towards me and his father’s own ignorance and use Alaznist’s flower relic to break curses on several others. There’s a good heart inside him, which I greatly admire, but I fear that his ultimately simple desires to read and overindulge will lead to a waste of his great talents.
Xander, while a man of good intentions, is not governed completely by his own free will. I see in him a dangerous fragility. Admiration and love for one’s parents is a quality that we should all strive for, but not to one’s detriment. His fear of the loss of his mother has allowed his clearly evil and controlling father’s spirit to guide and dictate his path and betimes his actions. He thinks that a new suit of armor with Desna’s designs will provide him with some clarity or absolve him of the horrible scars that Zutha left on his soul, but he doesn’t realize that even the mightiest armor can bend or break with the correct amount of pressure at the right weak point. He’s far from being out of danger. Until the day comes that he’s finally able to cast aside his fears and the need to feed off of his father’s power, I can only see him as a potential liability no matter how much he aides us in the fights to come.
Samael. If one were to hear us talk, one would think that he would be an ideal suitor for me. He’s rather tall, very strong, handsome, and has no lack of will or determination. Apart from that, I’m saddened to finally have to admit to myself that he is truly lost. I had hoped, for a time, that all of the good that we were doing and my subtle (perhaps not so subtle) influence would grant him a greater insight to the error of his past choices and that he would cast aside the need for the pentagram and its total domination of his mind and future choices. Alas, I see now that all he craves his power and will pay any price to achieve it for whatever purpose happens to be convenient to him at the time. I can now only pray that one day he will look at himself in the mirror and realize that he hates what he sees. I will not hold my breath in the interim.
Glenn is my hopeless romantic and a true hero to a fault. He’s told me that he loves me more than once now, and like the fool that I am, I reacted poorly to him…or at least more poorly than he had hoped for. Perhaps if I were to find myself free of the Oath I could see him attempting to show me how to love a man, for there truly must be a difference between loving one and simply caring for one. I think. At any rate, he still loves another, and it troubles me that the source of his greatest strength is simultaneously the source of his greatest weakness. I’ve spoken to him on more than one occasion about his foolhardy need to play the hero and it almost cost him his life when we fought against the decapus vampire. I grow increasingly frustrated with him, as I don’t care to continue to repeat myself to him. Does he not consider the pain that he could cause me…us…should he meet an untimely end? I never told him how much it tore me apart when the Warren/Dullahan rended his insides with that ranseur. The damned fool got in between it and I. I never want him to die or be caused pain again on my behalf. Ever.
I’m laughing to myself as I ponder this next thought, but I suppose I could swear them all off and entertain Naru as a possibility. Being a tiefling, she understands my predicament better than most anyone ever will. She’s good-hearted, kind, and possesses strength with the propensity for violence when necessary just as I do. I even like her dinosaur. Of course, the constant disappearing/reappearing act would cause me to be resentful and lonely often enough, and the frequent insistence that she bathed would likely be off putting to her. I pray that she never sees this, lest she take offense. She’s a good friend.
Could it be that my own standards are too high, or that I expect too much of others? I honestly don’t know. Give me giants…dragons…demons…beasts of otherworldly nature. Love? It frightens me. Enough now. I need to focus. There’s no time for girlish whimsy. Samael made a deal with that sack of wine devil that we would kill the old blue wyrm in order to attain both of their sihedron rings. I suspect that the Gelugon will attempt treachery after the fight with the dragon so that he doesn’t have to share its hoard with us. Just as well, as I plan to butcher him so that I don’t have to share its hoard with him. Karzoug knows that we’re coming for him, and soon, we will have the means to bypass his ruinous magical pulses. I’m going to put his head on a pike where the sun can shine upon it, and then this whole awful business will finally be at its end. Peace. Peace at last.